Accountability without carrying someone else’s shame

Being told that we have hurt someone can bring up more than the words in front of us. An inner critic may turn feedback into blame: “It’s your fault. There’s something bad or wrong about you.” This can touch a younger or vulnerable part that already carries shame.

Other parts may step in to protect that vulnerable place. One may push back, defend or shift the blame away. Another may have learned to take all the blame, hoping to keep connection or prevent further hurt. Alongside these responses, there may also be a wish to understand and repair.

There can be a difficult question underneath: how do we take responsibility for our own words and actions without carrying everything another person feels? An IFS perspective offers a way to become curious about the parts involved, while keeping sight of our impact on one another.

For some parts, hearing that our words or actions have hurt someone can feel like being told, “It’s your fault. There’s something bad or wrong about you.” That can carry shame, fear or a strong need to put things right. Those parts need room to be heard and understood as we explore what happened and what repair might be needed. Good intentions can sit alongside an impact we did not intend.

Taking responsibility starts with recognising what we actually did. We might say, “I interrupted you, and I’m sorry. I want to understand how that felt for you.” We can listen to the impact of our words and actions and consider what needs repair or change.

Sometimes our words touch a part of someone that already carries pain or shame. Their hurt is real, but feeling hurt does not, on its own, mean that the other person has acted wrongly or caused the original wound. We are responsible for how we speak and act; each of us also has a responsibility to attend to our own parts and how we respond, with support where needed. This is not a reason to speak carelessly or treat someone with disrespect, then dismiss their hurt as “their parts”. Taking responsibility can include listening to how our words or actions have affected someone, acknowledging hurt we have contributed to, and considering what repair or a different response might look like. That curiosity can help us understand what belongs to the present interaction and what may come from earlier experiences.

This works both ways. If we feel hurt or angry about someone’s reaction, we can become curious about what their response has stirred in us too. Depending on the relationship, our capacity and what the other person welcomes, we may also offer space for them to explore their experience. Supporting that exploration is a choice, rather than something we owe whenever someone feels hurt.

Defensiveness deserves attention too. Recognising that a protective part is speaking gives us something to explore: what does it fear the feedback means about us? What is it trying to prevent? Understanding its protection can help us take responsibility for how we respond, including when that response has hurt someone.

In a difficult conversation, there may be room for both: “I want to understand how that landed” and “I also need space to share what happened for me.” Curiosity about parts can help each person reflect on their own process.

Shared reflection does not mean equal responsibility in every situation. A child is not responsible for an adult’s abuse. A person subjected to sexual violence is not responsible for another person’s decision to violate them. The responsibility belongs to the person who caused the harm.

Someone who has been harmed may still carry shame, as though what happened says something bad about them. They may have been blamed, silenced or made to feel responsible for the other person’s behaviour. Carrying that shame does not make the harm their fault.

When someone has been abused, asking them to “own their part” can suggest that they helped cause the abuse or should have prevented it. Responsibility for the abuse belongs to the person who carried it out. The person who was harmed may want support with the fear, shame, anger or protective responses they carry. Exploring those responses is about caring for them and helping them have more choice now; it does not make them responsible for what was done to them.

In my own inner work, images of an abuser’s suffering have sometimes brought compassion and softened resentment. This did not make the abuse acceptable. My hurt parts needed to be acknowledged and witnessed first. When they were ready, this helped some make sense of what happened and stop blaming other parts of me.

This kind of understanding or softening cannot be forced. Some parts may never forgive, and they deserve just as much care.

A part that becomes angry when blame appears may have worked hard to protect someone younger or more vulnerable within us. A part that takes all the blame may be trying to preserve connection or prevent more conflict. These responses can have histories that need to be heard.

Fierceness can hold exhaustion, grief or a protest against injustice. Another part may long for others to recognise their responsibility and stop causing hurt. That part may never have known it could be safe to say no or set a boundary, so relief may feel dependent on the other person understanding and changing. We can listen to that longing while helping the part discover what safety and choice might be possible now.

Understanding an angry or defensive part does not mean approving every action it takes. Its protection deserves curiosity, and we remain responsible for how we act. Caring for the part can help us respond with more choice.

This question became personal for me while I was exploring a supervision role play. A supervisee heard feedback as judgement: “So you think I’m a bad therapist?” I wanted to examine my own words and tone, while also making room for them to recognise and explore their defensive response.

An impatient protector in me asked, “When will they take responsibility?” She feared that acknowledging another person’s hurt would mean being blamed and carrying everything again. As I became curious about her, I began to understand the pain and protection beneath her anger, alongside a little one’s loving longing to stop carrying other people’s shame.

That exploration became The Unshamer / Shame Burner. You’re welcome to explore the full personal journey if you’d like to. It includes strong language, experiences of abuse and shame, anger, illness and spiritual imagery. You can choose whether and when it feels right to read.

Different parts may want different things after hurt. One may want repair or closeness. Another may feel anger, hatred or resentment. Others may feel ashamed that those feelings exist, or wish everyone could move on. Those parts do not have to agree before we can listen.

For some parts, forgiveness may feel like saying that the harm was acceptable or their fault. We can understand that fear without making forgiveness the next task. There is room to explore what each part needs and what responsibility, repair or a boundary might mean.

Sometimes feelings change as parts feel heard and supported. Some may no longer carry the same anger or resentment; others may still need care. There does not have to be a single, tidy ending or one right way to heal.

As we build a relationship with our parts, there may be more space between feeling blamed and responding. We can notice an urge to defend, apologise for everything, withdraw or attack, and become curious about what that part fears.

With more space, our response can become a choice rather than an automatic protective reaction. Choosing does not mean agreeing, accepting hurtful behaviour or staying in a situation. We might choose to listen, speak firmly, say no, pause or step away. Protection can still be part of our response, with more choice about how we express it.

You might gently notice: what am I hearing these words say about me? Is there something I need to own or repair? Am I being asked to carry something that belongs to someone else? What would help me stay present enough to listen and speak clearly?

These questions can take time. In therapy, we can make room for the parts that feel responsible, the parts that resist blame and the vulnerable places they protect. Compassion, accountability and boundaries can develop alongside one another.

My own inner work changes how I can be present in a difficult conversation. Returning to the supervision role play, I can feel more space to give feedback clearly and support the supervisee through their response.

If I cannot be with the parts stirred in my own system, I may avoid giving feedback or speak from impatience and defensiveness, potentially adding shame or judgement to theirs. Listening to those parts helps me stay present, take responsibility for my words and tone, and support the supervisee to recognise when a part is leading their response and become curious about what it is protecting.

I see this capacity to reflect on our own responses as an essential foundation for supervision. The supervisory role carries responsibility and influence, making openness to feedback in both directions especially important. Being able to give clear feedback, hear its impact and receive feedback in return helps make room for honest learning, accountability and repair.

This work also helps me support parents and teachers when feedback becomes difficult. We can explore what happens inside them when a child pushes back, feels hurt or challenges them, so they can stay curious, hold boundaries and respond with care. It also creates room to receive feedback from children and repair when something has gone wrong.

Working with parts of me that other parts have feared or felt ashamed of, including fierce anger and hatred, has also helped me understand the vulnerability and injustice beneath my own protection. That gives me more groundedness, strength and confidence when someone brings feelings, beliefs or protective responses they fear will be judged or rejected.

There is room for parts carrying feelings, beliefs or urges that may feel frightening, shameful or difficult to admit. Rage, hatred, and prejudices such as racism or sexism are examples; this welcome is not limited to them. These parts do not scare me, and I do not judge you for having them. I can explore what a part is protecting, what it fears and what it believes, while holding clear boundaries around harm. Understanding the protection does not mean approving harmful behaviour or overlooking its impact. It helps me support curiosity towards the part and greater choice in how we respond, alongside responsibility for our actions.

This willingness to keep meeting my own system is part of what I bring to my work with you. It gives me more room to stay alongside your experience, including when something between us needs to be spoken about. We can make space for difficult feelings, honest feedback and each person’s responsibility, with care.

The Unshamer / Shame Burner — the full personal reflection →

The account includes strong language, family experiences of shame, references to sexual violence and victim-blaming, anger, illness and spiritual imagery. You can choose whether and when you want to read it.

Trauma and shame · IFS therapy · All articles and reflections