Addiction & patterns that feel hard to change

Perhaps the day has been full of demands and a part of you wants the noise to quieten. Or drinking seems to offer confidence, company, pleasure or distance from something painful. Your experience may be different, and we do not need to assume every drink has the same meaning.

In IFS, we can be curious about the parts drawn towards drinking. What do they hope it will give you? What feels difficult without it? What are they afraid you would have to feel or face if that familiar way of coping were unavailable?

Gabor Maté asks, “The question is not why the addiction, but why the pain.” This invites us to listen to what these parts are trying to soothe or protect us from, alongside care for the effects on our body and life.

Cece Sykes, LCSW, offers a compassionate IFS perspective on addictive processes: looking beyond one behaviour to the relationships between parts seeking relief, parts trying to regain control and the vulnerable parts they protect. My work draws on that understanding. The parts that criticise or insist on control need our curiosity too, alongside those seeking escape or comfort.

Alcohol is one example. Similar cycles can gather around working without being able to stop, exercising despite exhaustion or injury, controlling food, eating for relief, gambling or other ways of managing what feels difficult. Some patterns, such as always working or exercising through exhaustion, may be praised from the outside. That approval can make it harder to stop, even when parts of us long for something different. Other patterns attract judgement or shaming. That can deepen the shame and pain already carried inside, leaving parts even more desperate for relief and making the pattern harder to change.

Cutting and other forms of self-harm can also become part of a repeating cycle of distress, brief relief and renewed pain. For some people, self-harm feels compulsive or addictive: the temporary relief can strengthen the urge to return to it. This does not mean every experience of self-harm is an addiction; the reasons and patterns differ from person to person. We can listen to what these parts are trying to manage while taking injuries and safety seriously. You deserve support whether or not you identify with that word. I can support you with the emotions and protective responses around self-harm. If injuries need medical attention, we can explore how to arrange that alongside our work together.

We can explore what the activity offers, what stopping brings up and what it costs you. Enjoying exercise, caring about food or being committed to work does not by itself mean addiction. Nor does every compulsive pattern need the same label or support. What matters here is understanding your experience and the whole system around it, with appropriate care for your body too.

If you would like to explore this perspective, Cece Sykes writes about working with addictive processes. Her publications include Internal Family Systems Therapy for Addictions, co-authored with Martha Sweezy and Richard Schwartz.

Other parts may be concerned about your health, money, relationships, sleep or the way you feel afterwards. They may hope for clarity, freedom or more choice. Some want a change urgently. Others are unsure what they want, but know that something needs attention.

Some parts may use criticism or shame because that is how they learned to keep us in line. They may believe that being harsh will prevent rejection, harm or losing control. We can become curious about where they learned this and what they fear would happen if they softened.

Shaming the parts that shame us can add to the same cycle of shame. Whether the shame is directed at the shaming parts or the soothing parts, it can deepen the hurt. Even when it seems to bring a pattern under control for a while, that pain may remain and need more soothing.

We can try something different. With compassion and curiosity, we can listen to what each part fears and hopes for, and help them find ways of protecting us that bring less hurt.

A part turns towards a drink for relief. Other parts try to stop it through criticism or shame. Those words can reach parts already feeling unlovable, not good enough or alone, adding to their pain. As that pain grows, the parts trying to soothe it may feel an even greater urgency to act. More drinking can bring more criticism, and the cycle continues.

The shaming parts are trying to regain control, yet their approach can intensify the distress that other parts are trying to relieve. We can help them understand this without blaming them. What have they been carrying? What would they need to trust another way?

As these parts feel heard, and the vulnerable parts receive care, there may be less need for this struggle. This is a way of unravelling the process together, with compassion for every part involved and attention to the effects of their actions.

Cece Sykes, Martha Sweezy and Richard Schwartz explore this interaction between protectors and vulnerable parts in their writing on addictive processes.

We can make room for the parts that want a drink and the parts that want things to change. What would each like us to understand? What support is missing? Are there burdens such as “I cannot bear this feeling”, “I have to fit in” or “My needs do not matter”?

The work may involve caring for what feels unbearable, hearing parts that have been carrying too much and exploring more ways to find connection or relief, all at a pace that feels safe for your whole system. We listen to fears as well as hopes. We do not bypass any part, push past its concerns or move into deeper work without full permission from your whole system. Practical support and changes around you can matter too. We do not have to wait until every inner concern is resolved before seeking help with harmful drinking.

We can begin where you are, including when parts of you want different things or you are unsure what you want. Abstinence is not a requirement of our work. We can explore what drinking offers your parts, what concerns others and what you hope might become possible.

The focus is on understanding the coping that has helped you get through, caring for the pain beneath it and creating more choice. We are not trying to force parts to give up their way of coping. We listen to what they need and support them in finding more choice. Some people choose abstinence; others want to explore reducing harm or changing their relationship with drinking. Your needs, health and the whole of your experience belong in that conversation.

If additional support would be helpful, we can explore it together. How that support is offered matters: we can look for people and services that work with compassion, respect your voice and collaborate with you. Shaming or forcing parts into submission can deepen the struggle we are trying to understand. Shared care needs an approach that supports this work, even where practitioners bring different skills.

Care for your body belongs alongside this work too. If it has become dependent on alcohol, stopping suddenly can be dangerous. If you choose to stop or cut down, medical guidance can help you plan those changes safely. We can explore that support together, alongside our work, with respect for your voice and choices. NHS information about alcohol dependence and support is there if you would find it helpful.