Understanding
Anger
Making room for anger, with compassion and choice
Perhaps anger arrives quickly, before you have time to understand what has happened. Perhaps you hold it in, turn it towards yourself, or feel ashamed afterwards. You may also find it difficult to feel angry at all, even when something has hurt you or a boundary has been crossed.
However anger shows up for you, we can begin with curiosity. There is room to understand what your anger is responding to, what matters to you, and what you need.
What might your anger be protecting?
Anger can carry important information about hurt, unfairness, unmet needs or boundaries. Sometimes it also offers protection: helping us feel less helpless, keeping others at a distance, or stepping in when fear, rejection or vulnerability feel too much to bear.
Through an Internal Family Systems (IFS) approach, we can get to know the parts of you that become angry and listen to their experiences. We do not have to assume what lies beneath your anger. It may have something different to say from someone else’s.
An angry part may be trying to make sure you are heard, prevent another disappointment, or protect another part of you that has felt hurt or unprotected for a long time. Understanding its intention gives us somewhere meaningful to begin, while also being honest about the effect your responses have on you and other people.
When anger and shame meet
You might recognise a familiar cycle: something hurts, anger takes over, and then another part of you becomes critical. You may replay what happened, promise yourself it will never happen again, or worry that your anger says something about who you are.
Both the angry part and the part that judges it deserve to be understood. We can make room for their concerns without asking either one to win. Compassion can sit alongside responsibility, boundaries and repair.
Anger can also be quieter. It may appear as resentment, withdrawing, harsh self-criticism, or saying yes when you want to say no. If expressing anger has felt unsafe, we can explore that gently too.
Your body, your relationships and your history
We can pay attention to what happens in your body: heat, tension, a racing heart, or the urge to argue, leave or shut down. These experiences can help us notice when something is becoming too much, before words are easy to find.
Past experiences, trauma and familiar relationship patterns may be relevant. So may present-day pressures, sensory overwhelm or being repeatedly misunderstood. Your experience deserves attention in its full context, including situations where something really does need to change around you.
You were never too much. What happened to you was too much.
How we can work together
I will bring my experience and curiosity alongside what you already know or sense about yourself. You do not need to arrive with a clear explanation, and we will explore at a pace that feels possible for you.
Together, we can notice what happens before, during and after anger; listen to the parts involved; and explore what might help them feel supported. We can also work with practical ways of creating space in difficult moments, communicating a boundary or returning to a conversation after a rupture.
What helps you may change from one session to the next, or at different points in your life. I draw on my training and experience to offer different ways of working, and we explore together what feels useful to you and the parts involved. We can adjust as we go; ultimately, the choice is yours.
You can explore how IFS approaches protective parts in more detail. If earlier experiences feel relevant, you may also find my page on trauma and shame helpful.
In IFS, Self is understood as the core of who we are, with qualities such as curiosity, compassion, clarity and confidence. Self-leadership means relating to your parts from this place, with more room to listen and choose how to respond. It does not require you to feel calm all the time.
A first conversation
You are welcome to begin wherever you are, including feeling unsure about your anger or worried about speaking about it.
My practice is currently full. You are welcome to enquire about joining my waiting list, although joining it does not guarantee an appointment.
Fees and practical arrangements
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