Therapy for trauma and shame

We do not need to decide whether an experience was “bad enough” before listening to its impact. There is room for how it affected our sense of safety, relationships and connection with ourselves, and for the parts that are unsure whether it is okay to give it attention.

Other people’s responses can matter deeply, especially when we depend on them or long to feel understood. We can hold compassion for those relationships while making space for what happened within you.

Keeping busy, getting everything right, appeasing others or watching for danger may have helped us feel safer or stay connected. Numbness, withdrawal or shutting down can also be ways of managing what feels too much. These responses often involve far more effort than anyone can see.

Sometimes we do not notice that effort until our body lets us know. Anxiety may arrive without an obvious explanation; we may burn out, or everyday things may suddenly feel much harder. We can explore what is happening with care, alongside attention to current pressures, physical health and the support available.

A part may minimise what happened: “It was not that bad”, “Others had it worse” or “I should be over it.” There can be something deeply protective in that response. It may have helped us keep going, stay connected to people we needed or keep overwhelming pain at a distance.

At times, the feelings held underneath become harder to contain. Parts carrying hurt may feel as though they are crying out to be heard, while the minimising part works even harder. We can care for both: the part that has helped us cope and the parts whose pain needs attention.

Shame can leave us feeling that we are wrong, too much, unworthy or difficult to love. We may hide needs, struggle to ask for help or expect rejection when someone sees more of us. These feelings can affect relationships, choices and our sense of ourselves.

Some parts carry that pain; others work hard to prevent us feeling it again. We can listen to the whole pattern with compassion, including the ways shame has been shaped by family, culture, discrimination or experiences of being judged.

The part that shames us may believe that harsh criticism will keep us acceptable, prevent mistakes or protect us from being rejected by someone else. Its intention can be protective while its words leave other parts feeling smaller, more frightened or more ashamed.

Shaming can also turn outwards, hurting another person while trying to protect our own vulnerability. Understanding that purpose helps us approach the part with curiosity; the impact on ourselves and others still needs care and responsibility.

In IFS, we listen to what the shamer fears and offer care to the parts it is protecting. As that part feels understood, we can explore whether it might find a less painful way to help.

Closeness, disagreement, boundaries or needing someone can stir responses that make sense in light of earlier experiences. Sometimes the body responds before we have words: tension, alarm, numbness, distance or a sense of disappearing.

We pay attention to what helps you feel supported here with me, perhaps knowing where you are, noticing the room or having reassurance that we can pause. We can explore another way if focusing on the body feels too much. Your parts’ responses help us understand what needs care.

If a part does not want you to tell its story aloud, I do not need to hear every detail for us to work together. In IFS, witnessing can happen within your own inner relationship: your Self meeting a part’s experience with compassion, curiosity and understanding.

We can support that connection while the story remains private, if that feels safest for your parts. You might share a feeling, an image or simply that something is happening inside. We can also make room for quiet and creative ways of communicating.

There is no requirement to remember everything, find the right words or reach a particular stage. We listen to what your system is ready to share, inwardly and with me.

Understanding parts through IFS · Anxiety counselling · Urgent support resources